Stop Trying.

That's the answer. I've got to stop trying so hard. I can't do anything about what's already happened. I can't change anything that I've already said or done. So there isn't any point in worrying about it or trying to undo any "damage" I may have caused. Yes, I can be sorry that I've said and done some things, and I can choose to learn from my experiences rather than repeat them. But I cannot take them back, and if I make a negative choice to dwell on my mistakes, then I'll never be able to see my successes and I'll never be able to move on.
It's really strange to think about something you ended up doing that you never thought you would do. At least, to me it is. I can hardly believe that I've been some of the places I've been, done some of the things that I've done. (Figurative places, not literal ones.) I've made myself sick on occasion. And yet, I don't regret those situations. I've learned from all of them. I've learned about myself and how I react to certain things and what I can struggle with. I've learned about others and how what I do can have an effect on those around me, good or bad.
To be honest, I've learned that I truly enjoy being seductive. It makes me feel good about myself and it gives me a sense of power to know that with one carefully calculated outfit, one sweetly sexy glance, I can draw a man in. I can make him want what he can't have. And realizing that horrifies me. I am a Christian, a woman striving to love others and to love God. When I seduce somone, I am NOT loving him. I am making it very easy for him to fall into lust, and I know that God will hold me accountable for that. I can seduce my husband when I get married, but until then, I am very much responsible to my brothers in Christ to help them keep their minds and hearts pure. So maybe I don't need to stop trying. Perhaps I should START.

I hurt...

I am so cold. My stomach has been in a knot for 2 days. My head hurts and my brain is malfunctioning so much that I'm having a horrible time typing and trying to spell correctly and use good grammar... I hate this. I want to cry, but I can't... no, I won't let myself do it here, not where someone might see. I want to go back to normal. I want to feel right again. No more of this confusion and pain and sickness.
What can I do? Part of me wants to dress up, put on my "red high heels" and paint the town. Part of me is glad that the resposibility and weight of that relationship are gone, and I'm free to be me the way I want to be me. Under the turmoil and the sadness there is a peace that I don't understand, a joy that is only explained by one thing.
However part of me is, in a sense, mourning the loss of someone who was very special and important to me. And I think that's why I can't get warm, why my stomach is in a knot, why my head hurts and my brain isn't working. Why I just want to put my pajamas back on and crawl under the covers, cry my eyes out and then fall asleep and sleep for a LONG time...
This song has been stuck in my head for the past 2 days, and frankly, I think it's what's kept me from going temporarily insane.
"The joy of the LORD will be my strength. I will not falter, I will not faint. He is my Shelter, I am not afraid. The joy of the Lord is my strength."

What now?

So, I'll be honest with you. I don't know. Have you ever heard the song, "Breaking up is hard to do"? Of course you have, it's a classic. Never before have I realized just how true that is. It is so hard to tell someone that you love that you can't be with him anymore. I know that the world would say, "If you love him, then why can't you be with him? Love can bring you through anything!" The only problem there is that love can't be one-sided. It has to be mutual and equal. And when it isn't and when the one you love isn't willing to listen or to meet you in the middle, it falls apart. And you have to protect yourself.
It's odd though, even with the sense of loss that I'm experiencing, there is a sense of relief. I know I did the right thing. And we were able to leave it with the possibility of maybe picking back up after we've both matured a bit. But that's just a possibility. And even though I know that, I'm still okay. I am content to be me without him. Of course I miss him, he was my first love. But I know that if we are supposed to be together, then nothing will stop God's plan. I also know that if we aren't supposed to be together, then God has something unbelievably better for both of us, and I for one can't wait to find out what it is.
So what now? I know that I need to seek the Lord with all that I am. And I am excited to do that. More excited than I've been in a while. I guess that's my answer. :-)