I am so cold. My stomach has been in a knot for 2 days. My head hurts and my brain is malfunctioning so much that I'm having a horrible time typing and trying to spell correctly and use good grammar... I hate this. I want to cry, but I can't... no, I won't let myself do it here, not where someone might see. I want to go back to normal. I want to feel right again. No more of this confusion and pain and sickness.
What can I do? Part of me wants to dress up, put on my "red high heels" and paint the town. Part of me is glad that the resposibility and weight of that relationship are gone, and I'm free to be me the way I want to be me. Under the turmoil and the sadness there is a peace that I don't understand, a joy that is only explained by one thing.
However part of me is, in a sense, mourning the loss of someone who was very special and important to me. And I think that's why I can't get warm, why my stomach is in a knot, why my head hurts and my brain isn't working. Why I just want to put my pajamas back on and crawl under the covers, cry my eyes out and then fall asleep and sleep for a LONG time...
This song has been stuck in my head for the past 2 days, and frankly, I think it's what's kept me from going temporarily insane.
"The joy of the LORD will be my strength. I will not falter, I will not faint. He is my Shelter, I am not afraid. The joy of the Lord is my strength."
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